Bloodsuckers

Every single week I get blood drawn. On the week of chemotherapy I get blood drawn from my finger. This is one last check to make sure that my blood counts are ready for the poison. A week later they do another draw. This one is also a finger prick, and it determines whether my blood counts are dropping which would make me prone to infection. The second week after chemotherapy is my least favorite. This is the week in which they do a full blood draw from a vein in order to run a panel of tests for the Doctor’s visit I have the week of chemo. And then it starts all over again.

Today was my routine blood work visit, and next week is chemotherapy so I assumed it would be the full blood draw. Except when they call me back she tells me that my paperwork says that it’s just the blood count (finger) draw. I asked her if she was sure, because this is my week for the full deal. She said nope, just the finger draw. This was a pleasant surprise! Woo-hoo!

Once your blood is taken, you are sent to the lobby to wait for your lab results. They make you wait because if something is wrong, they want to address it right away. So far, every time I’ve gone I’ve been given a “good to go!” While I was waiting, I saw two people who didn’t have “ok” results that had to be sent for shots to boost their white blood counts. When she called my name to give me my results they told me to come on back. I said “I don’t need to come back, I’ve already had my blood taken.” And she says “Oh, they said to go ahead and do the full panel (translation: vein stick!”).

Not nice! I was so ready for my “good to go!” I guess they realized their mistake, but that was a bit of a bummer. And then I had a new girl who was having a problem finding a place to stick me. At this point, I know what works. I tell her the left arm veins are out because they are still bruised from chemo. The hands have been very successful, and the right arm is fine. I explain to her that mine are sometimes hard to find but that they are usually good – no one ends up sticking me twice! She tries to find the best spot for about five minutes and is very tentative about the whole thing. Her vampire trainer takes over and fines a vein in like a minute. Nothing annoys a cancer patient more than new/tentative vampires. We get stuck A LOT – we should get the luxury of the best blood technicians.

A shout out today to Bernie who sent me the most delightful light-up tiara along with a card declaring me a pirate princess. Thanks for the wonderful chuckle! I so wish Bernie and I had gotten more time to know each other when I lived in Gainesville – I think we may have been very good friends. Bernie, you’ve always got a vacation spot in NC!

Happy weekend folks!

White Out

I am going stir crazy.

I have a window each chemotherapy cycle that I feel pretty normal. I try to work and get out of the house as much as I can during this time. Even if I am in bed by 9 PM each night from fatigue, it is worth it in order to maintain sanity.

I had big plans to work in Charlotte all week with the exception of one lab appointment. In fact, I was sort of excited because we were having a big all day meeting on Tuesday and I would get to meet some co-workers I hadn't met yet, and see some others that I haven't seen in months.

Then the snow came. When we got up Monday morning everything was covered. Everyone was advised to stay off the roads. So it was another day at home. This definitely dampened my spirits. But I was hopeful that at least I would make it to the big Tuesday meeting. Except when Tuesday morning came the roads were still pretty bad.

So instead of being in the office I stayed in my PJs and spent a good part of the workday on a conference call. It is hard to feel smart in your pink fuzzy bathrobe. I am one who feels that facial expressions and body language are important part of discussions. Everyone talking on the phone just wasn't the same.

Being sequestered at home so much definitely goes on the Top 10 list of things that I dislike about this experience. It is particularly hard this time of year when I can't take advantage of our outdoor living space. I have never really liked working from home. I always struggle to stay on task. I could usually manage a day or two, but this week after week thing is kicking my ass.

Next week is Chemo No. 3. I am starting to dread it a little. Let's tally the fun brought by Chemo No. 2: Heartburn, upset stomach, loss of taste/appetite, dry mouth, numbness in fingertips, insomnia (though much better than Round 1), aches and pains, low-grade fever, concentration problems, and fatigue.

Round two in some ways was better. I had less heartburn, less insomnia, and didn't get the crazy steroid hunger. But the fatigue has stuck around a little longer and a little melancholy about the situation is getting harder to shake off.

I am going to go to sleep now hopefully. I have big plans to go to Charlotte tomorrow and should try to sleep for the big drive in tomorrow!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Never Did Mind About The Little Things

What a nice Saturday morning. I had a great night of sleep last night and woke up feeling refreshed. They called for a little snow last night, but it didn’t happen. But this morning we’ve been getting these little “blasts” of snow flurries. It is windy today, so the snow doesn’t really fall as much as it blows around. And the flakes are the big fluffy ones that are easy to see from the comfort of your warm house.

And since it’s a cold blustery morning I decided to curl up in my pajamas and find something to watch on television. A movie that I love was on – Julie and Julia. So I sat happily watched both the movie and the snow. Yesterday, I had picked up the stuff to make cinnamon rolls and surprised Robbie with those this morning.

One of the few positives of this whole experience is that I have so much more appreciation for the day-to-day. Before, a Saturday like this may have been filled with guilt about the many things I should be doing. But right now, my house is a mess, it’s after 11 and I’m still in pajamas, and I am ok with it. I’m enjoying this morning.

I feel a bit like I’m stuck in a moment right now. I have been given this horrible news of this illness that could be life-threatening. But I’ve been given a wonderful chance at a cure if I am strong enough to endure the treatment. And so right now, I’m in this weird “in-between” place. Not yet cured, but full of potential. And so there is this part of me that feels like I need to prove to the world that I deserve this chance. I need to be the best person I can be. I need to appreciate all the joy and beauty that life has to give. I need to be patient with others. I need to not want to kill the dog when she passes gas so terrible that I think I might pass out (as she just did).

I have been trying to think of a way to end this entry, but everything I type sounds like I’m trying to be Gandhi or advertise my new book on the power of positive thinking. Everything sounds just plain cheesy! So I’ll just end it by saying have a great weekend.

Head for Cover

Lately I feel like that short story “Flowers for Algernon”. It’s a story about a guy named Charlie, who has his intelligence temporarily enhanced through science. As the story progresses, he finds that the change is temporary and that he is going to lose all the brainpower he has gained. He goes from having really deep and intellectual thoughts to not being able to comprehend things he could easily understand days ago.

Chemotherapy can be like that some days. Today as I was leaving the Doctor’s office I turned the wrong way to get to my next destination. I also left the front door unlocked this morning (don’t get ideas – we have security). I have to write down nearly everything. I do have moments of clarity, where I’m firing on all cylinders. I had a brainstorming phone call at work yesterday and it was the first time in weeks I felt like I was on my game. It is important that I continue to try to keep my mind as sharp as possible. Otherwise, by March, this blog could read “Had chemothrpy. Not fun. Need a knap.”

But let’s not talk the loss of mental capacity. That’s depressing. Let’s talk about the high point of my day! Let’s talk about the amazing wonderful fantastical hat I received in the mail today. My friend Chris in Gainesville made it for me and it is the best gift ever. His wife Sharon definitely had some input on the color. It is fuchsia and it fits perfectly. When I think of Chris knitting this beautiful fuchsia hat to cover my bald head it brings tears to my eyes. Chris is bald, and he is someone who certainly understands how freaking cold one’s head can get when you have no hair. I think I will wear it to work tomorrow instead of my wig. Thank you from the top of my head and the bottom of my heart!

Pick Yourself Up, Brush Yourself Off...

I threw myself a royal pity party yesterday, and I was the star diva. But every party ends. And don’t you hate those parties where you look back at your own behavior and you feel completely embarrassed? That would be me.

I went to bed early last night and told myself that when I woke up, I was going to shake off the negative attitude and have a good day. And that is what I have done. I got up with Robbie this morning and got ready for work like a normal person. I still have some achiness/bone pain and food adversion, but instead of wallowing in it, I just accepted it and moved forward with my day.

Today was the first day I wore “red” to the office. It went over well though. No one laughed at me. One of my co-workers said she could tell that I was worried that it would move around on my head, and said it was amusing how stiff I held my head and neck.

I can’t stress enough that the challenge of getting through chemotherapy is very mental. The fact that the treatment is going to take MONTHS of my life messes with my head. I go to at least one medical related appointment each week. That totally sucks. It’s like you can’t get away from it – even for a week.

All this being said, I need to stop complaining. The alternative to chemotherapy is not an option. So red and I will keep on keepin’ on.

I Hate the World Today

For both chemotherapy cycles, I have had one day where I just can’t hold it together. I am achy, tired, and mentally ill-equipped to deal with the emotions of the experience. It is the one day out of twenty-one when I am not strong. I am not a role model patient. I am just tired and angry.

It is day six of the chemotherapy cycle. Today. Day six is the day after the steroids end which is why I am having horrific mood swings. It is also when I begin getting random aches and pains including bone pain from the shot I received yesterday. This morning I tried to sleep late to try to minimize the effects. No such luck. I woke up at 9:30 ready to rumble. I have yelled out loud at E-mails and various things around the house.

This is also the time frame where I have the palate of a four-year old. Last night for dinner I made whole-grain macaroni and cheese, and a beautiful salad with walnuts, blue cheese, and red apple balsamic vinegar. It all tasted horrible. I ate a bowl of Cap’n Crunch. I feel like the Cap’n is my only friend right now. Is he bald? If not, I might not like him either.

Anyways, just trying to ride out the storm until the emotions subside.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! I know all of us in my household are very happy to see 2010 go away. It was not our best year by a long shot. But I think we’ve come to realize that life is a cycle, and you have to have the low points to appreciate the good. And let’s just say we are really ready to embrace greatness.

Something I’ve been learning over the last few days is that the body’s reaction to each chemotherapy cycle is very different. This time I’ve had much less of the middle-of-the-night uncomfortable heartburn feeling. I think that is because of the reduction in the amount of steroids. I do still wake up, but not nearly as much as the first go around. I also believe that because of the steroid adjustment, I am also able to take an occasionally nap which makes me feel better. I am also able to go for walks and do moderate activity which I wasn’t able to do when I had the tumor and couldn’t breathe. The hunger is not as crazy this time either. I don’t crave things, and I don’t have that “starving” feeling constantly. So for the most part, this cycle has been going well.

I am also experiencing what is referred to in the cancer community as “chemo brain.” I usually have a great memory and am good with words, but lately I have had just a little bit of airheadedness. For example, I ordered something for my Mom, and was surprised when it showed up on my own front porch! Oops! To combat this, I have been doing daily word puzzles to help keep the neuro-pathways clear. I think the blogging helps as well. From my understanding, this phenomenon is temporary.

Monday I get the Neulasta shot again. It does make my bones ache a bit. I did a little skit for Robbie about the effects of Neulasta. Unfortunately, my writing about it doesn’t give you the benefit of all the wacky voices I did during my skit. I said that Neulasta causes the little elves in my bone marrow to make additional white blood cells. Except there isn’t really enough space for the additional cells. But they’ve received their orders so their “MAKING MORE! MAKING MORE!” But it won’t fit! Too bad, because they are “MAKING MORE!” Ok, it was so much funnier before I wrote it all down.

Today I got my head shaved down to just fuzz. It feels better, and I don’t feel like a molting chicken anymore. I wore my wig out twice today. Both times I was very paranoid. If someone nearby laughed, I was totally certain that they were laughing at me in my wig. Wearing the wig is an adjustment. I worry that it’s moving around and that I am looking like the weatherman in the bad toupee.

I’d like to thank everyone for all the support I’ve received over the last few months of 2010. The cards, E-mails, cookies, candy, and comments have provided more comfort than you can ever know. In the case of the great treats, maybe a little too much comfort! It never failed than when I was at a low, a card or an E-mail arrived that gave me just the little lift I needed to make an attitude adjustment.

To all of you, dear readers, have a wonderful 2011. I see great things ahead! Beautiful babies (cousin Candie , Audrey, and many co-workers), a lovely new home for my Mom, NED for me (that means No Evidence of Disease!), great wine from Savage Beagle vineyards, and many other things that have not even appeared on the horizon yet.

Good night - I am off to beat the hubbie at a game of scrabble.