R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I crashed today.

I felt it coming throughout the morning. I stopped at Starbucks for a large coffee, trying to fill the energy void that has been provided by the prednisone over the last week. The coffee tasted weak, and did not do what I had hoped it would.

I had a good morning at work, but with each hour I felt more tired and less focused. I stayed until about 1 PM and then headed home for the afternoon. For lunch, I had reheated some leftovers at work and they left a sour taste in my mouth that I was desperate to get rid of on the drive home. Chemotherapy really messes with your taste buds. Nothing tastes quite like it should. I drove through McDonalds specifically for a Hi-C Orange. I know, not exactly healthy – but I thought the sweetness would cut the sour taste in my mouth. The drink tasted watered-down and nothing like it should, but it did help to cut the taste.

By the time I got home I felt achy and exhausted. So tired, that my legs felt almost rubbery. I cursed myself. Just the day before, I had told Robbie that I thought maybe they shorted me some chemo. I take it back. Seriously, I was kidding. I will never again mock the chemo. I have learned my lesson.

I put some PJs on and climbed in bed for a nap. I napped hard for two hours. When I woke up, I was still achy, but I at least felt human again. This evening I have made a deliberate effort to rest, and to not disrespect the chemo. I’m feeling a little better now. And Robbie found a snack I can taste – sea salt and vinegar chips!

Tomorrow I’m resting. I need to keep my eye on the prize – which is to kick this. I do have to go get blood work done (they do a weekly check of my white blood count), but otherwise I’m staying home in my pajamas.

This is the difficult part of this journey. The lack of control is hard to deal with at times. I’m on the boat, but I’m not the navigator. I can only make the best of the ride.