Monday, December 13, 2010


Every day I expect to wake up in agony. And every day I wake up feeling just a notch below normal. So much so, that if I didn’t know what I was supposedly going through, I could be convinced that it was all some sort of elaborate joke. Don’t get me wrong. I have tons of little signs of things being just a little bit off. But it just doesn’t seem to add up to enough discomfort for me to feel “ill”.

For example, I always feel like I just drank coffee that was too hot. My mouth feels just a little scratchy all the time. But considering I’m a coffee junkie, this feeling is not unusual and so it doesn’t seem like a big deal.

Also, although my energy level is good all day, I do tend to be exhausted by 8 or 9 and am oh so ready to sleep. I also have my “witching hour” each night. I usually wake up around 1-2 AM and feel like I might be on the verge of wicked heartburn. But then I drink a big cup of water and lay back down. Because of the steroids though, I can’t ever get right back to sleep. So I watch a movie or play on the iPad for a bit.

For the last two days, I’ve had insane hunger. I know it’s the steroids and for some reason they have kicked into overdrive. If it’s salty and edible, I covet it. Except because of the steroids I am trying NOT to eat a ton of salty stuff. I want hoagies and tacos and french fries! I am really trying to eat “cancer fighting foods” and fill myself with vegetables, antioxidents, and fruit juice. Something else sort of weird - my jaw gets tired if I chew for too long. This is sort of good thing, because it might be the one thing that keeps me from robbing a convenience store in search of more food. Hey, is that a Christmas Cookie you’re eating? Come back here! Also, food isn’t quite right. The taste is just slightly wrong, which leaves you wanting more. But no matter how much more you have, it’s not what you crave.

Lastly, my focus totally sucks. I had big plans to do a bunch of work from home today. But even though I had the laptop in front of me, my ability to do real work was difficult. I think mentally I am still processing everything. I think my mind knows that I’ve been dealt a blow and that I might need more time to absorb the reality of the situation. I really do have a positive outlook, but I have to realize that it is ok to take a moment and let myself rest both physically and mentally. This is hard for me.

I also think the concept of “long haul” is weighing heavy on me right now. This isn’t going to be over next week. Or next month. Winter has just begun, and this ordeal will last the duration and then some. I am grateful that my path has been relatively easy. But I know that each round will be more difficult and that I need to be strong for a long time.

If I wake up feeling ok tomorrow, I think I’m going to go to work. I have felt a bit sequestered, and it would be very nice to be around other people. I think the beagles might need a break from my angst!

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