I have had a hard time writing lately. I’ve sat down to write this post a few times and haven’t been able to find the right words. But the more I think about it, it’s not an issue of finding words, but more an issue with trying to figure out how I am really feeling.
Let’s start with what is easy to define. Physically I’m feeling good. I traveled to Nashville last week and had a good trip filled with great meetings and a visit to my first honky tonk! The only problem I had regarding treks through the airport and Nashville was that my brand new Mary Janes rubbed a bit and I got a blister! It was a much different experience from my last trip through an airport in November when I was first diagnosed. I remember not being able to breathe that trip and stopping half a dozen times to catch my breath from the parking lot to the gate.
After traveling for most of last week and a busy day of shopping on Saturday, I do have to admit that by Sunday I was feeling a bit of fatigue. I slept until almost 10 AM, which is rare for me. I’m feeling good today though, so the extra sleep and downtime definitely helped.
Tomorrow is my radiation consultation. I am not going to be angry if I have to do radiation. I know that the cancer is currently gone, and I know how happy that makes me. If radiation helps to ensure that it stays gone, then I can accept that course of action. I am a little annoyed, but my annoyance comes mainly from the fact that I thought I wouldn’t have to do radiation.
I had asked the oncologist a few weeks ago what we would do if the PET scan was clear and his exact response was “We’ll celebrate.” I hate to nitpick, but radiation does not exactly sound like a celebration. Unless they give out champagne and strawberries and play Kool and the Gang while you’re being treated…
Radiation, from my understanding, is not as bad as going through chemotherapy. One of the worse parts about it is that it is every single day for a defined period of time (usually three weeks). I have gotten tired of scheduling my life around my treatment and hate the thought of three weeks of radiation appointments. Robbie reminds me that three weeks is hardly a blink when we’re looking at a potential lifetime cure. I totally get that. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. So many types of cancers can’t be cured, and so many other people would love to go to radiation “just in case”. I am very lucky.
So I will take a deep breath and feel gratitude for modern medicine and all that it has done. And I will not ask where the Dom Perignon is if he suggests that I do a three week course.