Out of Control

This morning I had my weekly round of lab work. The trip to the lab has become a thorn in my side. I ask for their earliest appointment so that I can try to get in and out quickly. I have yet to get out of their office in less than an hour. My appointment is always for 8:15, and I never actually see anyone until after 8:30. And then I have to wait for the results. I have not once had a low white blood cell count, but they still make me wait every week. This is one topic in which Robbie turns a deaf ear to my complaining. He is of the opinion that any place that is working hard to cure my cancer deserves a little leeway.

It has been little things like this that eat away at my psyche day-after-day. It is the Doctor’s appointments that I have to keep. It is going to bed at 8 PM because I’m so exhausted I can’t stay awake another moment. It’s letting go of projects at work and giving myself permission to do so. It is being on a conference call and feeling ready to scream because I couldn’t think of the next word even though I knew exactly what I wanted to say. It is feeling guilty that not a single person in my life gets enough of my time. I do need to clarify that no one makes me feel guilty. I do it to myself. I am certain that I must have been Catholic in a past life.

When I am in the mood to wallow like this, I have to step back and look at the big picture. I am going to get through this, and I am going to be a cancer survivor. This will be the accomplishment of a lifetime. And I will be better for it. I will remember to laugh every day. I will do the things that bring me joy. I will smile more. I will show appreciation to those I love. As Steven Tyler would say, and I can’t believe I am quoting him, I will be a plethora of passion!

In the meantime, I will try to fill my afternoons with a little afternoon delight made of marshmallow, coconut, and pineapple.