Awake

Sleep is not coming easy for me lately. I think it is a combination of factors.

First, the pain. Yes, I am going to talk about the throat pain again. I have lived a pretty painless existence up until now. I wish I could have continued with my blissful ignorance. It has been a full two weeks of pain now. It is grating on my last nerve.

Secondly, I gave up my anti-anxiety medication. It was a fabulous sleep-aid. It quieted all the crazy thoughts that would fill my head each night. But now that cancer treatment is over, I need to get back to some sort of normal. And that means getting rid of the drugs.

Stopping the anti-anxiety pills have unfortunately opened me up to really feeling the day-to-day stress. From medical bills that require calls to the insurance company (most get resolved - mainly mix ups) to fire drills at work (of which there have been an abnormally high amount of lately) I am actually feeling the stress instead of being able to let it roll.

I sort of wish I had really taken time off while undergoing treatment. I feel like I put more stress on myself than I really should have. Last week I rushed from radiation to work, only to work all day in pain. There was one day last week that I was so worn out that I sat outside on the patio and napped for a few minutes.

Part of the problem is that my treatment has gone on for so long. I mean seriously, how much patience can I expect people to have with me? And this little bout of radiation was supposed to be a breeze. And that has hardly been the case. I hope every single day that I will not have to go through this again ever. Because just that thought alone can keep me awake at night.

At least we are getting away for some rest and relaxation later this week. I need quality sleep. And a fresh perspective.

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