Restore Life - The Way It Should Be.

So, it’s been a while.  I am happy that I haven’t felt the need to talk about “It”.  I’ve been very busy in my pursuit of being a card-carrying member of society again.  Busy working and playing.  Busy trying to forget about the days in which I was a girl interrupted.  And I go for long periods of time without giving cancer a thought!  I knew these glory days would come and they were well worth the wait.

Over the last month though, cancer has crept into my head.  I can name a half-a-dozen people that have passed away from cancer.  No one I know directly, but relatives of friends and co-workers.  Some of these losses are as young as I am.  And although I offer appropriate condolence, in my head I grieve greatly for each of them and their families.  I grieve because cancer sucks and it can hit anyone at anytime.  And we don’t understand who will get it or why.  And I hear about these people who leave children and loved ones behind and the question of “Why me?” rattles around in my head.  Not why did I get cancer, but why did I get to survive when someone else who had a bigger role in humanity was not so fortunate.  I am so grateful that I am alive, but disturbed by the lack of rhyme or reason to the world.

Yesterday I received my appointment for my annual PET scan.  It’s been a year since my last PET scan and about 16 months since I had my first clean scan.  I feel great and I am hopeful for an all-clear, but I would be lying if I said I am not feeling a little bit of “scanxiety”.   Nothing like I felt a year ago, but definitely a little tension in my neck that I can attribute to the anticipation of it.

Enough talk about the thoughts that exist in the shadows of my mind.  Let’s do a dramatic change of topic and talk about my 40^th Birthday.  I am THRILLED to be turning 40 in less than two weeks.  After thinking I might be robbed of another decade of life, I welcome it with open arms.  I am looking forward to celebrating it with my family and friends.  This Leo wants to be the center of attention!  Now if I can just find an appropriate tiara for the occasion…

Don't Come Around Now, You're Not Welcome Anymore

This week brings my 39th Birthday. There was a time that I was feeling depressed about this Birthday. After all, once you hit 39 it’s all downhill. It’s all wrinkles and senility and gray hair. But that line of thinking was pre-cancer. Another Birthday means I’m still alive and kicking. My 38th year will hopefully be known as the year I kicked cancer’s ass. And each future Birthday means I’ve managed to fend off the reaper another year.

I had my PET Scan today. It was my fourth one. My last one was in March. I had forgotten it was so long ago. The previous Scan was just after my last chemotherapy treatment, but just before radiation. My radiation ended in late May, so cancer has had two months post any type of treatment to re-invade. As I sat there before my scan, I couldn’t help but to think back to my previous scans. The first two were gray wintery days. I remember looking out the window and thinking that the weather certainly matched my mood. Those were the worst of days. The first scan was just after I had been diagnosed, and I was finding out the extent of the cancer. The second scan was after three chemo treatments. The brutality of chemo had started to take a toll on my mental state. I kept a brave face, but I was tired and scared.

Today was a beautiful sunny day. I chatted with Joe and Cheryl and met the new nuclear technician in training. The staff at the PET center have become familiar faces that bring a bit of comfort. The mood was light and cheerful. It was as if we were old friends getting together for lunch and catching up. The Scan went fine and I’ll get the results from my oncologist on Thursday afternoon. I am hoping for an all clear – it would be the ultimate birthday present.

And although I can’t help but to feel a little fear about the results, I am facing the future with the knowledge that I can handle whatever comes my way. If it comes back, I will fight it with everything I have. I want to see my 40th Birthday. I am counting the days until I turn 50. I want to get old. I want to forget where I put my teeth.

Thank you to the American Cancer Society for more Birthdays. It is organizations like you that provide the funding and awareness that makes it possible for more treatments and cures.

Keep your fingers crossed for me on Thursday! I'm hoping to be celebrating on Friday!

Talking to Myself and Getting Old

I am making my usual arrangements to prepare for my upcoming oncology related appointments.

First, I called to change the appointment time. I always change the appointment time. I am not trying to be difficult, though I am sure that my file says “patient is difficult about scheduling.” They scheduled my lab work for 11:00 AM. I ALWAYS ask for early or late appointments. I know that some cancer patients are retired and are able to come by anytime, but that isn’t me. I am a busy girl, and I have things to do! Cancer appointments are never a single appointment, and I can’t devote three days to middle-of-the-day appointments. Luckily, they were able to bump my lab work to 8:45 AM.

Secondly, I think I need a new PET Scan outfit. I have to wear clothes without clasps or zippers – so basically gym clothes. I had my winter “PET Scan” outfit, but I think I need a warmer weather outfit. The room is always cold though, so no shorts. And crazy socks are a must. Also, I can’t wear a bra during my PET, so I don’t want a top that is too revealing. No amount of revealing clothing will improve the results. I must shop this weekend.

My last appointment is the meeting with the Doctor to discuss results. I think I have mentioned before that he is not chatty. So if I don’t specifically ask questions, he might say something vague like “Nothing too concerning.” With him, it’s critically important to make a list of questions. Important things such as “Can I get some more of that Ativan?” “Why did my hair not turn red? I wanted it to grow back red!” “Can you write me a note to give me a few months off for medical reasons?” Ok, so those aren’t my real questions. But I do need to get my thoughts together concerning maintenance therapy, primary care vs. oncologist, etc.

The good news is, all of these appointments will be finished on August 4th, just in time for my Birthday on the 5th! I’m a little excited about my Birthday this year – there was a moment or two this year when I wondered if I would make it to celebrate the big 29th Birthday… ha ha ha …