Haunted by Somebody I Used to Know

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  For the most part, I could not be more excited.  I love the holiday season, and I can’t wait for the weeks of festivities.

I find myself preoccupied by events that took place in the fall of 2010.  I can’t help but to try to mentally walk through the many firsts that happened – all between Mid-November and Christmas.  It was this very week that I had the critical ultrasound and biopsy.  Two days before Thanksgiving I received my cancer diagnosis.  My first meeting with the oncologist and PET scan occurred the following week.  My first chemotherapy happened the very next week.

I am grateful that I kept a blog.  I can remember the big moments – some as if they are in slow motion. But a lot of the detail of that time has now faded.   But having captured it in writing, I am able to read and trigger my memory.  It is a peculiar sensation though, because I feel like I’m reading someone else’s story.  And in reading that story, I am so very proud of the humorous and strong heroine.

Glumly, I am haunted by her.  She is an impossible role model.  She got out of bed everyday with a kick-ass attitude.  She was able to beat cancer!   And even in illness, she was so full of life and so grateful for the people in her life and for all the moments that we take for granted.

It’s hard to live up to her.   She conquered the Big C!  If I’m lucky, I might conquer the Starbucks drive-thru.  She woke up grateful to be alive each day.  I wake up wishing I could sleep another hour.  The small stuff meant nothing to the mighty heroine.  I am sometimes so buried in the small stuff I forget to notice the sunshine peeking through.  She knew her mission and never detoured from it.  I’m no longer sure what my mission is. 

I need to consult with the heroine.  She must be around somewhere. Surely she can give me some advice on how to be more like her.   Strong.  Grateful.  Focused.  I want to be more like this somebody I used to know.

I'm Worth It

I think entire days go by now in which I don’t actually think about cancer. I thought this day would never come and I could not be happier. It was a year ago this month that I got the news that the chemotherapy was working and that the cancer was nearly gone. 

My obsession with all-things cancer has been replaced with finding nutritious and filling low-calorie foods. Instead of researching the latest in lymphoma treatments, I’m trying to find the best combination of “pick-two” for lunch at Panera. I have lost eighteen pounds this year, and I’m still going strong. This weight-loss effort has been the easiest thus far, and I fully believe it is related to having survived cancer. 

I think when you go through a cancer fight, whether consciously or unconsciously you make a choice to fight. A choice to live. And in making that decision you affirm to yourself that you are worth it. And this may be a peculiar correlation to make, but I think that experiencing such a life affirming moment has helped me want to live a healthier life for all the right reasons. Thus much of the insecurity and emotional eating that I’ve experienced in the past seems to be absent this go around.

Cancer also changes some of your food preferences. I have always liked milk, but now I love milk. I crave it. Luckily I love skim milk so it works within my daily calories. But some days, given the choice of a glass of wine or a glass of milk at the end of a long day – I go with the milk. I hate to admit it, but I used to have a soft spot for greasy fried food – onion rings, fish, french fries, etc. I really don’t enjoy the mouth-feel now and it has the tendency to give me wicked indigestion so I had started to avoid it while I was receiving treatment. I never did get the taste back for it. I am also finally able to drink and really enjoy wine, although on occasion the acidity still bothers me. I think I have scar tissue in my throat and chest that will always make me sensitive to those types of things.

But with the exception of a few wacky food issues, the “new normal” post-cancer seems to be going well so far. Now I’ve just got to get my drive to exercise kicked into high gear. I’ve managed to incorporate some walking a few times a week, but I need to kick up the speed and duration. But I can do it. After all, I’m worth it.