Haunted by Somebody I Used to Know

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  For the most part, I could not be more excited.  I love the holiday season, and I can’t wait for the weeks of festivities.

I find myself preoccupied by events that took place in the fall of 2010.  I can’t help but to try to mentally walk through the many firsts that happened – all between Mid-November and Christmas.  It was this very week that I had the critical ultrasound and biopsy.  Two days before Thanksgiving I received my cancer diagnosis.  My first meeting with the oncologist and PET scan occurred the following week.  My first chemotherapy happened the very next week.

I am grateful that I kept a blog.  I can remember the big moments – some as if they are in slow motion. But a lot of the detail of that time has now faded.   But having captured it in writing, I am able to read and trigger my memory.  It is a peculiar sensation though, because I feel like I’m reading someone else’s story.  And in reading that story, I am so very proud of the humorous and strong heroine.

Glumly, I am haunted by her.  She is an impossible role model.  She got out of bed everyday with a kick-ass attitude.  She was able to beat cancer!   And even in illness, she was so full of life and so grateful for the people in her life and for all the moments that we take for granted.

It’s hard to live up to her.   She conquered the Big C!  If I’m lucky, I might conquer the Starbucks drive-thru.  She woke up grateful to be alive each day.  I wake up wishing I could sleep another hour.  The small stuff meant nothing to the mighty heroine.  I am sometimes so buried in the small stuff I forget to notice the sunshine peeking through.  She knew her mission and never detoured from it.  I’m no longer sure what my mission is. 

I need to consult with the heroine.  She must be around somewhere. Surely she can give me some advice on how to be more like her.   Strong.  Grateful.  Focused.  I want to be more like this somebody I used to know.

Living the Dream in the Valley

I’ve been writing bits and pieces of this post since we returned from California nearly two weeks ago.  It’s been so busy since we’ve gotten back that it has been nearly impossible to sit and capture my thoughts.

Vacation was blissful.  It was filled with the best life has to offer – quality time with my husband, remarkable food and wine, breath-taking scenery, and wonderful people.  It was the perfect time to celebrate life and to put cancer a little further in the past.

One of the things I enjoyed most were the stories shared by the people we encountered.  As I get older and as anyone who has had cancer or a similar experience will tell you, life is about being in the moment.  Furthermore, enjoying life is about recognizing those moments and appreciating them before they have passed you by.  I am grateful that I during my vacation I was able to recognize these wonderful moments as they were happening and fully experience the joy!

A highlight of our trip was a private Napa tour we took with Dave from the Napa Wine Project.  Dave and I corresponded prior to our trip, and I told him that I wanted to have an “off-the-beaten path” experience.  Robbie, being an amateur winemaker, loves to talk to other winemakers about the craft and I knew that he would enjoy this type of tour immensely.  Dave did not dissapoint.

The first place we went during the tour was Sciandri Family Vineyards where we met with Ron.  They have a beautiful 20-acre state and currently produce an estate cabernet sauvignon.  I loved sitting on his back porch eating cheese and drinking their estate cabernet while Ron talked about their family heritage and how they got started in the wine making business.  We listened as he showed us a small row of grapes smuggled from Italy that he had planted for the enjoyment of his grandchildren. 

Next he took us to meet Emil Tedeschi from Tedeschi Winery.  We ate lunch at a picnic table outside of his winery, while he told stories about how he started a winery in Maui of all places.  Robbie’s favorite moment of our vacation was when Emil pulled out his grafting knife and literally showed him how to graft a grapevine.  Emil was one of those salt-of-the-earth types and I loved that he spoke as a farmer that works hard to produce great wine.    

The last place Dave took us that day was to meet with Heather Brakesman at Summit Lake Vineyards on Howell Mountain.  Her parents started the winery before she was born, and she grew up in the Napa Valley.  We spent time enjoying a spectacular view, drinking wine, and playing ball with a relentless labrador.    She told us about how all she longed to do while growing up was to get out of the valley.  Now she is back, and listening to her kids talk about how there is nothing to do in the valley.  Her language was colorful and she had a great laugh.  I could have sat there all day.

Even without Dave as our ambassador, we stumbled onto some great people all on our own.  Our week started with George Hendry’s two hour tour of his winery.  He was a straight shooter who had obviously done some hard work during his time, as shown by the wear of his shoes, the roughness of his hands, and the aged skin that had spent many long hours in the sun.  But I loved his cantankerous demeanor and hearing him talk about wine with great passion and a suprising level of understanding.

I think this is one of the first vacations in which I was content to sit for hours and just listen to stories.  I took photos to remember rather than be able to show the amazing places I had been.  The wine was great, but not nearly as great as sitting on a deck listening to music while we listened to someone’s story.

If you ever make it to Napa, I highly recommend veering off the beaten path and looking for the hidden gems.  The big name wineries are great and we did spend some time hitting a few of those.  But those are definitely not the stops that are still resonating with me after I've gotten home.

A.C.

Cancer is one of those points in my life that will forever be a marker of time.  For example, this weekend we were planting grape vines.  And I can’t help but to think back to last spring when we were planting vines.  I remember barely being able to help.   I was in between chemo and radiation and exhausted all the time.  I had to keep my skin covered because it was super-sensitive to sun due to the treatment.  And to add insult to injury, I had no hair.

This year my hair was a mess and blowing in the breeze.  I had on a t-shirt and was soaking up the sun with every ounce of my being.  Yes, digging the many holes totally kicked my ass, but in a marvelous way.  And unlike last year, the exhaustion didn’t leave me feeling tired for days.

The experience reminded me that life is good right now.  I love it when I get a moment of clarity and am able to remember to feel gratitude for all that I have.

Speaking of gratitude, I am in full-on vacation planning mode!  We leave in less than two weeks.  We had a trip planned last May that we had to cancel because of my illness.  We had plans to go to Santa Barbara for the Winemaker Magazine conference and we were going to stay on the west coast after the conference and hit wine country.  We both agreed that we would go when I was well. 

A little known fact about me:  I am a crazy psychotic vacation planner.   Robbie tried to get me to use a travel agent once because he thought that I stressed too much about the planning.  But he has come to understand that I enjoy it and that I like having the control.  Planning is part of the fun for me.  As soon as we have a destination in mind, I begin to read travel books, yelp reviews, trip advisor reviews, and vacation blogs. 

Destination Napa/Sonoma has been so much fun to plan.  I have a day-by-day itinerary in development that includes our starting winery for each day (those on our “must visit” list), a tour guide that will give us that private boutique winery experience, and group tours that are more fun and relaxed.  At this point I’m down to planning the second tier wineries as well as the meals.   I have experienced much anguish over picking a place to have Deem Sum in San Francisco and in trying to decide if Morimoto’s restaurant in Napa is worth the price (or do we just stand in front and take a photo!)   

Robbie used to poke fun at my planning, but after a few successful vacations he is now a believer.   I know he does not relish the planning phase, so I try to limit his involvement to seeking the information I need to ensure his enjoyment.  I now know that he could care less about what order I arrange to do things or the specific rental car we will be driving.  He really doesn’t want to hear the cheeses they offer during the tour or what types of linens are on the beds at the hotel.  He doesn’t want to pick his seat on the plane, nor does he want to participate in my agonizing over whether I want to spend extra money to have a great view.   I ask him the important questions:  What five wineries are on your “must visit” list?  Would you rather have a single “base” of operation or move each day or two to be closer to different areas?

Robbie is traveling for work this week, so in addition to spending the evenings hashing out the vacation itinerary, I am also a single parent to our very high maintenance beagles.  Zoe is diabetic and gets a shot twice a day.  Meadow is currently on antibiotics and “happy bacteria” for stomach issues and has to be coaxed to eat her breakfast because she has too much gas in her stomach.  I have to take Zoe to an eye specialist on Friday for recurring cysts she keeps getting in her eye (an hour away from where we live).  Monthly dog expenses:  hundreds (too afraid to add it up).  The joy they bring:  priceless.

One Year. One Hundred Posts.

It seems appropriate that for my 100^th post on my cancer blog I get to write about my one year check-up with my oncologist.  I’ve always been very nervous prior to previous visits, but I felt pretty confident that I would get a thumbs up.  I feel great this go-around and didn’t get the phantom symptoms I sometimes get prior to my appointments. 

As I sat in the waiting room, I was feeling so grateful to have my hair back.  I saw a lovely bald woman come into the waiting wear a pink bandanna, and the memories of wearing wigs and scarves during the hot summer flooded my mind.  I wanted to go to her and tell her that it grows back and that a year from now she’ll be dealing with unruly inconsistently textured hair.  But I also remembered how crabby and tired I was when I was going through chemo and that I may not like her response to my “helpfulness.”

 When I was called back for my appointment, I was put in the Lance Armstrong room.  Always a symbol of hope that Lance!  I should note that I didn’t actually get to meet with my oncologist.  I am doing so well apparently that he felt it appropriate to just pass my visit off to a physician assistant.  And in all honesty, that was perfectly ok with me.  Let him focus on saving lives rather than carrying on chitchat with someone who feels great.

She said that my blood work looked good, and then proceeded with the usual list of questions they always ask during the check-ups.  Any fever?  Feeling tired?  Trouble breathing?  Lumps or bumps?  Problems going to the bathroom?  Any vomiting?  Night sweats?  Coughing?  Aches and pains?  And on and on … I was given a clean bill of health and will go back in August.  I will be scheduled for a PET Scan prior to the August visit since it will have been a year since my last one.

Probably the only lingering side effect from the “Cancer experience” (almost sounds like a Disney theme park ride – ha ha) is a continuing struggle to fully bounce back.  I think the break you take from leading a normal/regular life is both good and bad.  Good in that you get perspective and clarity around those things that are important.  But bad in the sense that you took a break from the “game of life” and have to get reconditioned to play again.  Lately, I have been struggling with time management, creativity, balance, etc. and I had an epiphany about this just this week.  I don’t think I’ve lost the ability to do those things, but I do think I’ve lost my confidence.  Believing you can do something is such a HUGE part of actually being able to do it.  Just having that thought process has made me feel so much better.  I can be awesome; I just have to believe it.  I just laughed out loud as I was typing this because for a moment I thought about the blog reader and envisioned them thinking “How ego-centric can she be?  Seriously?  What kind of dribble is this?”  That is completely alright; I know I’m a little crazy.  But I also know that some cancer survivor will read this and totally get it.

Thanks for sticking with me.  If you’ve read all hundred of my posts, I should bake you cookies or give you wine.  But this will have to do for now:   A virtual toast to you wishing you love, friendship, good health, and a spirit of gratitude!

I'm Worth It

I think entire days go by now in which I don’t actually think about cancer. I thought this day would never come and I could not be happier. It was a year ago this month that I got the news that the chemotherapy was working and that the cancer was nearly gone. 

My obsession with all-things cancer has been replaced with finding nutritious and filling low-calorie foods. Instead of researching the latest in lymphoma treatments, I’m trying to find the best combination of “pick-two” for lunch at Panera. I have lost eighteen pounds this year, and I’m still going strong. This weight-loss effort has been the easiest thus far, and I fully believe it is related to having survived cancer. 

I think when you go through a cancer fight, whether consciously or unconsciously you make a choice to fight. A choice to live. And in making that decision you affirm to yourself that you are worth it. And this may be a peculiar correlation to make, but I think that experiencing such a life affirming moment has helped me want to live a healthier life for all the right reasons. Thus much of the insecurity and emotional eating that I’ve experienced in the past seems to be absent this go around.

Cancer also changes some of your food preferences. I have always liked milk, but now I love milk. I crave it. Luckily I love skim milk so it works within my daily calories. But some days, given the choice of a glass of wine or a glass of milk at the end of a long day – I go with the milk. I hate to admit it, but I used to have a soft spot for greasy fried food – onion rings, fish, french fries, etc. I really don’t enjoy the mouth-feel now and it has the tendency to give me wicked indigestion so I had started to avoid it while I was receiving treatment. I never did get the taste back for it. I am also finally able to drink and really enjoy wine, although on occasion the acidity still bothers me. I think I have scar tissue in my throat and chest that will always make me sensitive to those types of things.

But with the exception of a few wacky food issues, the “new normal” post-cancer seems to be going well so far. Now I’ve just got to get my drive to exercise kicked into high gear. I’ve managed to incorporate some walking a few times a week, but I need to kick up the speed and duration. But I can do it. After all, I’m worth it.

Full-Speed Ahead

I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post.  I have been so very busy that it has been difficult to find the time to stop and reflect. 

Cancer is becoming more of a memory.  And as time passes, the details become blurred and it is slowly becoming this thing that happened a while back.  I thought the day would never come in which it wasn’t constantly consuming my thoughts, but time is a wonderful remedy.  There just might be life after cancer.

I haven’t been great with the treadmill this week, but I have been pretty active so I feel good.   For example, last weekend we finished painting the kitchen.  The kitchen I started to paint years ago that remained half-painted all through my cancer days.  It was one of those things that made me feel like my life was on pause.

This fall is sort of surreal.  I am doing all the things we do each fall.  Except now I know that last year at this time I had cancer.  Yesterday we went to Ocktoberfest, and as I was walking around I was remembering that last year I felt so tired.  And I felt wonderful this time, which gave me more confidence that maybe the nightmare really is over.  It is hard to describe, but I feel like my “cancer ghost” haunts each experience.  But it is important for me to remember how far I’ve come so the ghost can stay for now.

Last week was very busy at work, and this week is more of the same.  I have a gauntlet of travel the first part of the week that includes a one day trip to DC (fly in and out same day) and a trip to Raleigh for two days.  But for so long I felt “grounded” that it is sort of exciting to get out and see people and really jump in with both feet.

Lingering side effects are almost completely gone.  Probably the one that drives me the craziest is that when I’m really tired I really struggle for words.  It’s not that I can’t gather my thoughts; it’s that I can’t find the right words to express them.  And this totally frustrates me because being able to speak intelligently on-the-spot is an important part of my job.  I just need to be cognizant and try to get appropriate amounts of sleep. 

Today was a fabulous day of emerald mining with Ust Gunder, Tom Tom, and the hubbie.  We had a great time, but I think every inch of my body is exhausted so I’ve got a serious night of relaxing planned.

Two last thoughts – rest in peace to Steve Jobs who lost his battle to cancer.  Cancer sucks.  I am sad that we will never know what ideas were still in that head of his because of this stupid disease.  Also, I am very sad that my dog niece Val also passed away this week.  I have great memories of watching her and Zoe romp when they were young dogs.  I know that she is somewhere doing that now and feeling no pain.  Much love to Rosalie who is missing her fur-baby.