Paranoia or Perceptive?

When I was diagnosed with cancer, it was hard not to be angry at myself. I had symptoms that I ignored for months. And once I found out what I had, I couldn’t believe that I had let it all go on for that long.

I think a promise that all we cancer survivors make, is that we will never do that again. Ever. So now, every little ache or pain is analyzed and googled, and crossed-referenced with symptoms of lymphoma or even other types of cancers.

For the last few weeks I have had a pain in my arm that I’m 99% sure is from pulling a heavy backpack from the back seat of my car into the front seat, yet I’ve checked to see if arm pain can be a cancer symptom. FYI, it is probably not.

So this week’s ailment is a lump in my right armpit. It could be a swollen lymphnode caused by a bacterial or viral infection. It might be an infected hair follicle. Or an even sillier answer is that it could be a pimple under the skin. But it could also be the dreaded cancer. My subconscious tells me to wait it out – that it will probably disappear a few days from now. But the last time I trusted myself; I had cancer for months and didn’t do anything about it.

So today, I broke down and called for an appointment with the oncologist. I will see him tomorrow. And I hope he laughs at me for my silliness and bills me an outrageous amount for the unnecessary visit. I don’t want him to tell me that I’ve been very perceptive and smart. Those are the last words I want to hear. Isn’t that a rarity?

So here is hoping that he laughs in my face.

Just a brief update - it was a "clogged sweat gland."  Woohoo!  Never thought I would toast a clogged sweat gland, but that is exactly what we did!  I told the Doctor that I felt silly and paranoid, and she said not to feel silly, that I earned the right to be paranoid when I was told I had cancer.

Shake a Leg

This past weekend was a wonderful fall weekend.  Saturday we took a drive to a winery we love for their annual cider festival.  On the way back we stopped at an apple orchard for fresh honey crisp apples.  I can’t express enough how much I love this time of year.

I have finally dusted off the treadmill and gave it a spin.  It was brutal.  But I did it.  I’ve been out-of-shape many times, so this isn’t my first time back in the saddle.  But this definitely is going to be the hardest.  My legs have never shaked so much in my entire life.  I used to be an avid walker, and was known to walk an 8-mile stint on a Sunday afternoon.  And the first time I did that, I had some shaky muscles.  But I’ve never had that with only .6 miles.  But tomorrow is another day, and it will get better.

I am hoping this exercise will give me a bit of confidence in my health.  Or that at least the exercise endorphins will help me cope with the anxiety I still feel.  I have extreme paranoia over every ache and pain.  The ragweed has been getting to me, and I’ve had a little tightness in my chest.  I know it is allergies because I can hear the wheezy congestion.  But it doesn’t keep me from thinking I’ve having lymph node issues.  Keep in mind this all started with an ear ache/sore throat.  If I have lower back pain, I think I have cancer.  If my foot itches I think I have cancer.  If I have cramps, I think I have cancer.  I wish I could stop these thoughts.

And apparently I’m not the only paranoid person in the household.  I often get the question “Are you alright?” in response to every cough, sniffle, and groan.  I know that it’s only out of concern, but it only plays into my already intense paranoia. 

My plan to cope is to keep enjoying fall, keep walking, and hug some beagles.

Day of Betrayal

Fall is just around the corner. It is my favorite time of year. I love it when the morning air begins to get crisp and cool. I watch each tree with anticipation of the changing colors. I can’t wait for the fall festivals, taking photos on the blueridge parkway, and heading into the mountains for fresh apples and cider.

Normally, fall is always a fun time at home for us. Since moving to North Carolina from Florida, one of the things we delight in is having a change of season. We usually have lots of wine-making activities and love looking for sugar maples at the peak of their color. Robbie’s sister usually comes for a visit as well.

It was most likely September of last year when the cancer began its journey with me. I remember feeling a little tired, but assumed it was work-related. I was in the process of taking on a new role, and was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I remember going to Blowing Rock with Robbie’s sister and having the funky ear-ache/throat “thing” that just wouldn’t go away. I’m not sure when to celebrate my cancerversary. Some people commemerate the day they were diagnosed. Others celebrate the day they were declared NED (no evidence of disease). I think those are both significant dates in my history now. But I really wish I could nail down that date when my body decided to go rogue and started to create destroyer cells. I would call it something melodramatic such as “Day of Betrayal”.

And had you suggested during that time that I might have cancer, I would have laughed at you. Probably 90% of people diagnosed NEVER believed it would happen to them. I think the few folks that did think it might happen probably had a family history or are the type of person that is paranoid regularly that they are getting some sort of disease read about online.

Speaking of paranoia, I have been going through a phase where I think everyone has cancer. Be careful to cough or complain of any ailment in my vicinity. Give me ten minutes, and I could get you good and terrified. At various points during the month, I’ve tried to tell my husband he might have cancer. I also suggested that maybe the dog has cancer. How have you been feeling? Have you been to the Doctor lately? I am over-educated about cancer at this point. I know even the most remote symptoms.

In other cancer news, the hair is looking less like that of a chia pet. My husband finally said to me this weekend “you know…maybe you should try some mousse or gel or something…” I have been avoiding hair “products” because new hair can be delicate. But seriously, it was standing straight up. I looked freshly terrified all the time. So I bought some sort of cross between a gel and a mousse on Saturday. I can’t remember exactly what it was called. But it does seem to have tamed the crazy a little.

Life is busy right now, but in a good way. Busy is a distraction, and the more distracted I am, the faster time will pass by. And the more time that passes by, the more distance I can put between me and my annoying companion.