Lately I have been feeling that familiar longing to put
words down on paper. When I was going through cancer treatment, writing was
such a great outlet and source of comfort. But thankfully, cancer is now in my
rear-view mirror! I no longer write blogs as a coping mechanism. Yet I still
feel the urge to write to support my desire to be more present each day and to
be a catalyst for positivity and change.
This story starts about a year
ago. I was cancer free, but mentally I was still recovering. I was still
trying to answer the “Why Me” question that every cancer survivor asks themselves.
Don’t get me wrong; I was very grateful to be alive and I was outwardly positive.
Sometimes the outward expression of joy was to also try to convince myself that
I was happy. And for the most part that is how I felt. But there were times when
I was alone in my own headspace that I felt anxious and disconnected.
I went for a couple of Doctor check-ups during the fall of
2016, and both visits were emotional. First, any Doctor’s visit post-cancer is
stressful. Every lab and test represents the moment you’re going to find out
you have cancer again. I had also gained even more weight and felt embarrassed
about it. I was so ashamed of myself. Here I was given the gift of life
post-cancer. Twice! And I felt like I was wasting that gift. There is a photo
from me of last fall that is the worst photo I have ever seen of myself. I look
fat and uncomfortable and I remember how I felt at that event. Here I was out
with a great group of people at an awesome restaurant, and I couldn’t really
enjoy it. I was worried about what people thought of me, and because it was a
packed restaurant I felt particularly large and awkward. I hate that photo so very
much.
I have a wonderful woman that is my current primary care
practitioner. She has a terrific bedside manner and really tries to serve as my
health coach rather than a disciplinary figure. When I went for my visit last
year, she asked questions and listened to me talk about not being able to lose
weight, feeling anxious, issues with insomnia, and even a little depression. I
think a lot of these feelings were related to life after cancer and the
associated guilt. And that anxiety seemed to amplify the “normal” stress. She
empathized with me and really listened which is rare in these days of the 10-minute
doctor appointments. And then she matter-of-factly presented some ideas on how
to make some life changes. During this appointment, something really clicked
for me. It was one of those times in my life where the right thing happened at exactly
the right time. I was in the right mindset to really listen and was ready for
change. I left that appointment feeling
hopeful about the future; though skeptical that I could do what was necessary
to really enact change in my own life.
Now let’s jump in the time machine and travel forward to
now. Life has changed so much! I have made so many positive changes in my life.
I’ve lost a significant amount of weight and have started exercising almost
every day. I also eat much healthier, and don’t use food as an emotional
crutch. I feel more confident, happy, and optimistic about the future. I see
pictures of myself and I’m not embarrassed. I don’t try to hide anymore!
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| Left: A recent photo. Right: A horrible, horrible picture at a work meeting. I loved that shirt until I saw this picture! |
So, making a long story even longer… I swear I’m trying to
get to the point. Last week was my annual GYN appointment. Previously, GYN appointments were the ones I
dreaded the most. My GYN was the Doctor who diagnosed me for uterine cancer. I
had come to her as a new patient after unknowingly having the symptoms of
uterine cancer for well over a year. And yes, I knew something was wrong, and
yes with the history of cancer I should have been smarter. My previous Doctor
that did my GYN exams before this one had left her practice and I never
bothered to find another. In my mind, seeing any type of Doctor multiple times
a year was enough. I had ignored the problems I was having and wrote them off
as issues related to weight, growing old, the effects of chemo from cancer #1,
etc. Luckily when seeing my regular Oncologist prior to this visit, he noticed
some issues in a routine scan and recommended that I see a GYN as follow-up. A slightly
funny side note: my Oncologist credits me having lymphoma as the reason I was
diagnosed with uterine cancer soon enough to do something; he said that had I
not had the routine follow-up scan at that time, that things could have turned
out quite differently.
Anyways, for the first time ever, I was happy to be headed
to my appointment last week. The first stop at any Doctor’s appointment is the
dreaded scale. But this was a new day! I stood on the scale waiting for the
number; and I already knew where the scale would land. My weight was 94 pounds
less than my previous visit! The nurse raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say
anything. I’m not sure if maybe she thought there was a mistake in my chart, or
that maybe the weight loss had something to do with being sick.
I could barely stop smiling. My blood pressure was also perfect.
Before when it was elevated, I always used the excuse that it was anxiety from
being at the Doctor’s office rather than my unhealthy lifestyle.
Next, I had to complete a questionnaire about my
mental/emotional well-being. The previous year, it was harder to fill out – I remember
answering a few questions about not feeling engaged or excited about things going
on in my life and that I had a hard time focusing. This time, I could easily
answer the questions with positive responses.
When the Doctor came in we had a great conversation. She
congratulated me on the hard work and we had a great conversation about my health
and what I’ve been doing to have accomplished so much over this past year. She
did my exam and ran through the “questions to ask if your patient has cancer”
checklist. Fevers? Back pain? Fatigue? Lumps? Abdominal pain? Decreased
appetite? Strange muscle pains? Headaches? Rashes?
I left that visit so happy. For the first time in at least
ten years, I feel like I’ve gained control over my health and my body. It is
such a feeling of empowerment. I’ve finally stopped with the litany of excuses
for not being healthy. I would blame stress. I would always say that I didn’t
have time to exercise or to prepare healthy meals. I would say I was born with
a crappy metabolism and that I was trying. And the excuses were all ways to try
to make myself feel ok about what I was doing to myself. I’m pretty sure no one
else believed me.
So back to the beginning of this short novel: Why the need
to write this down? I write when I need to organize my thoughts and to fully
think through the “why” of what I’m feeling. I write when I need a mechanism to
later remind myself of a feeling or an experience to help me stay on the right path.
I write with the thought that if even one person reads my words and it is a
cause for a positive change, then it’s worth my time.
I had a couple of hesitations. First, with a ton of weight
still left to lose, do I really have the right to write a blog focused on
better health? Yes, I think... When I read blogs and weight loss stories, I
want to read the ones written by those who have walked in my shoes or are trying to accomplish the same thing. Next, do I really want to put something so
personal out there for the world to read and analyze? This was probably my
biggest hesitation. I once had a troll who took information posted in a
previous blog and negatively posted it out to others. It was hurtful and I
almost took my blog down after that happened. But I stuck with it; particularly
after hearing from another cancer patient that my blog had helped them with
their experience.
And lastly, the whole act of blogging is a narcissistic exercise.
I always worry about being viewed as self-centered and I know that I can be
that way. But I think it’s ok for me to focus on me for a while. I’ve earned
it. I don’t know that I’ll be putting a link to it on my Facebook page just
yet; not sure I want to open it up to those that are closest to me just yet. It's sometimes hard to be vulnerable with those who know you best.
Anyways, hope to pick up a reader or two who want to watch me
go through a different life experience that is so much more fun than enduring
cancer!
So, here’s to being a better version of myself!
