Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Wheel in the Sky Keeps on Turning

I’ve started this post about three times now and it just isn’t coming together. It ends up being a mish mash of too many thoughts, and doesn’t follow a logical flow. But maybe that’s the point. That’s how I’m feeling right now. I feel disjointed and confused and it’s coming across in my writing.

This upcoming week starts the triple-header of appointments that makes up my three-month post cancer follow-up. I have a full panel of bloodwork, a PET Scan, and an appointment with the oncologist to discuss the results. I will be so happy to get this over with and move forward. It feels like a monkey on my back right now. The tests are only confirming what is or isn’t going on with me, so worrying about the actual tests is stupid on my part. But logic isn’t in control right now.

This week also brings the four year anniversary of my Dad’s passing. I’m sad, of course. I miss him. And I also feel sad because this is an even rougher week for my Mom. That being said, I feel like I need to not let the sadness consume me. I have fought like Hell this past year to survive. That is what he would have wanted and I know somewhere he’s proud of me. So for him, I will make sure I spend some time doing things he would appreciate. I will make my own pickles, eat a little too much cake, watch a sci-fi movie with the volume way too loud, and laugh with my whole body. Because that is one of the things I miss the most about him – the full body belly laugh.

My cousin Lisa and her family came through Hickory on their way back from the beach. It was great to have them visit. Some of my best childhood memories were with my cousins. We hadn’t talked in years, and just recently got reconnected. It was fun to have the sound of her children filling the house. My dogs are not used to being around “little people” and are still trying to recover from all the excitement! I am enjoying getting to know her as a grown-up, though I still picture us as grubby kids getting into trouble!

In other news, I am having a hard time with the whole daily grind. It seems overwhelming at times. The work week is filled with work, vet appointments for Zoe, dental appointments, construction in our backyard, and errands. It seems like I am racing around constantly. Part of this stress probably stems from PMS and this ungodly heat wave we’ve been having. Chemotherapy sent my body into temporarily false menopause, and that just ended. So I think I’m experiencing about six months of PMS all at once.

To sum it up, I feel happy, scared, overwhelmed, and bitchy. But I am here to feel it, and for that I am grateful.

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