Restore Life - The Way It Should Be.

So, it’s been a while.  I am happy that I haven’t felt the need to talk about “It”.  I’ve been very busy in my pursuit of being a card-carrying member of society again.  Busy working and playing.  Busy trying to forget about the days in which I was a girl interrupted.  And I go for long periods of time without giving cancer a thought!  I knew these glory days would come and they were well worth the wait.

Over the last month though, cancer has crept into my head.  I can name a half-a-dozen people that have passed away from cancer.  No one I know directly, but relatives of friends and co-workers.  Some of these losses are as young as I am.  And although I offer appropriate condolence, in my head I grieve greatly for each of them and their families.  I grieve because cancer sucks and it can hit anyone at anytime.  And we don’t understand who will get it or why.  And I hear about these people who leave children and loved ones behind and the question of “Why me?” rattles around in my head.  Not why did I get cancer, but why did I get to survive when someone else who had a bigger role in humanity was not so fortunate.  I am so grateful that I am alive, but disturbed by the lack of rhyme or reason to the world.

Yesterday I received my appointment for my annual PET scan.  It’s been a year since my last PET scan and about 16 months since I had my first clean scan.  I feel great and I am hopeful for an all-clear, but I would be lying if I said I am not feeling a little bit of “scanxiety”.   Nothing like I felt a year ago, but definitely a little tension in my neck that I can attribute to the anticipation of it.

Enough talk about the thoughts that exist in the shadows of my mind.  Let’s do a dramatic change of topic and talk about my 40^th Birthday.  I am THRILLED to be turning 40 in less than two weeks.  After thinking I might be robbed of another decade of life, I welcome it with open arms.  I am looking forward to celebrating it with my family and friends.  This Leo wants to be the center of attention!  Now if I can just find an appropriate tiara for the occasion…

Halfway There

I have a check-up with my oncologist soon.  Next week I’ll have bloodwork and the following week is my appointment.  I’m feeling good so I’m anticipating an “all-clear”.  And getting that all clear will be exciting because it means I’ve made it through my first year of a cancer-free life post-chemotherapy.  The two year mark is a critical milestone.   If it doesn’t recur within that timeframe, your odds of getting it again go way down.  So time can keep on ticking away!  It’s a rare time in life when you want the days to go by quickly.

Operation weight-loss is going well.  I’m thirty pounds down.  I’m losing much more slowly now, but I’m going for long term success and a slow and steady weight loss is the best way to achieve it.  My goal is 10 pounds a month.  So far so good, though the last few weeks I’ve been on a bit of a plateau.  I am going to try to ramp it up a bit over the next few weeks in preparation for our upcoming vacation that is long overdue.

Last May, we were supposed to go to Santa Barbara for a winemaking conference and then on to Napa and Sonoma.  We cancelled the trip for multiple reasons.  I had used every ounce of my vacation and sick time for treatment, and I was just finishing up radiation.  I have finally accrued some time off again, so Napa here we come!  We’re going in early May. 

I am struggling with balance in my life right now.  You make a lot of promises to yourself when you have cancer, and one of mine was to have better balance in my life.  This has been such a challenge lately.  Last week for example, work was crazy busy (although last week wasn’t an exception, it’s been that way for months).  I felt guilty leaving the office on-time, but I needed to do so because I have a diabetic dog that needs a shot every twelve hours.  I was also feeling guilty because I made time to dance/exercise (my new favorite exercise – Dance Central 2).  And I feel guilty because I took myself out for a nice lunch because it was a beautiful spring day and I decided to enjoy it.  I need to reconcile my feelings about these things.  I don’t like feeling like I’m not working hard enough, but I am also not willing to sacrifice a balance that I so desperately need.  If the cancer ever did return, I don’t want to regret that I didn’t take the time to enjoy life’s moments.  It’s too important.  When I thought I could die, I never once thought that I should’ve worked harder.     

Too many heavy thoughts!  I am off to enjoy the day.  Robbie and I had our sixteenth wedding anniversary this week, and it’s time to spend some time celebrating.

A Promise Kept; A Promise Broken

When you have cancer, you make a lot of promises.   It mainly happens in the middle-of-the-night when you have insomnia and are lying quietly, alone with so many thoughts going through your head.  These were the times I hated the most.  And it was during those times that I would make silent promises about how I’m going to be a better person.  And one of the things I would promise, is that if I lived through treatment and ever become a “cancer survivor” that I would be a healthier person.  Because after going through all that effort to survive, I should try to make sure I am here a while to enjoy it.

After treatment, I gave myself a little leeway.  I knew I wanted to get healthy, but I also wanted to enjoy freedom for a while.   After so many months of not being able to taste food and during a short time not even really being able to eat – I let myself eat what I wanted.  I particularly enjoyed the holiday season with all the cookies and wonderful meals!

I knew that once the holidays were over, I was ready to make a change.  I want and need to be healthy.  More than ever, I want to live.  And that drive to survive is powerful.  It changes you.  I’ve dieted a hundred times, and I can’t say that survival was ever my motivation for weight loss.  I wanted to look better and  I hated the way I was treated as an overweight person.  But it was never about survival the way it is now.   My hope is that the cancer won’t come back and that losing weight will just be about living well.  But if the cancer does come back, being healthy can only improve my chances.

Robbie and I started the first weekend after New Years.  And in all honesty, it feels great so far.   I’m using a website to track calories and exercise.  It really does come down to calories in, calories out.  There are many different programs out there, and I’m sure lots of them work.  But I want something that is long lasting and easy to manage.  I’m down about 12 pounds and feeling good.  I’m managing my calories well – planning around indulgences that are going to be a part of life (i.e., a dinner out on the weekend or meals on the road when traveling).  Last weekend we went out to one of our favorite restaurants and I looked forward to it all day.  But I was smart and prepared.  I ate very low-calorie meals and avoided snacks to enjoy our evening.  And surprisingly, I couldn’t even finish the food on my plate that evening because I’m finally starting to get used to eating less.

Cancer, maybe you’ll save my life.  Wouldn’t that be grand? 

P.S.  I know I said I was going to stop the blog.  This is the promise I’m breaking.  I was finding that I was in a series of mostly negative posts that were all about trying to mentally recover from the whole experience.  I have turned a page and may occasionally post again since I have a better outlook and am accomplishing some goals related to cancer recovery.