Talking to Myself and Getting Old

I am making my usual arrangements to prepare for my upcoming oncology related appointments.

First, I called to change the appointment time. I always change the appointment time. I am not trying to be difficult, though I am sure that my file says “patient is difficult about scheduling.” They scheduled my lab work for 11:00 AM. I ALWAYS ask for early or late appointments. I know that some cancer patients are retired and are able to come by anytime, but that isn’t me. I am a busy girl, and I have things to do! Cancer appointments are never a single appointment, and I can’t devote three days to middle-of-the-day appointments. Luckily, they were able to bump my lab work to 8:45 AM.

Secondly, I think I need a new PET Scan outfit. I have to wear clothes without clasps or zippers – so basically gym clothes. I had my winter “PET Scan” outfit, but I think I need a warmer weather outfit. The room is always cold though, so no shorts. And crazy socks are a must. Also, I can’t wear a bra during my PET, so I don’t want a top that is too revealing. No amount of revealing clothing will improve the results. I must shop this weekend.

My last appointment is the meeting with the Doctor to discuss results. I think I have mentioned before that he is not chatty. So if I don’t specifically ask questions, he might say something vague like “Nothing too concerning.” With him, it’s critically important to make a list of questions. Important things such as “Can I get some more of that Ativan?” “Why did my hair not turn red? I wanted it to grow back red!” “Can you write me a note to give me a few months off for medical reasons?” Ok, so those aren’t my real questions. But I do need to get my thoughts together concerning maintenance therapy, primary care vs. oncologist, etc.

The good news is, all of these appointments will be finished on August 4th, just in time for my Birthday on the 5th! I’m a little excited about my Birthday this year – there was a moment or two this year when I wondered if I would make it to celebrate the big 29th Birthday… ha ha ha …

The Wheel in the Sky Keeps on Turning

I’ve started this post about three times now and it just isn’t coming together. It ends up being a mish mash of too many thoughts, and doesn’t follow a logical flow. But maybe that’s the point. That’s how I’m feeling right now. I feel disjointed and confused and it’s coming across in my writing.

This upcoming week starts the triple-header of appointments that makes up my three-month post cancer follow-up. I have a full panel of bloodwork, a PET Scan, and an appointment with the oncologist to discuss the results. I will be so happy to get this over with and move forward. It feels like a monkey on my back right now. The tests are only confirming what is or isn’t going on with me, so worrying about the actual tests is stupid on my part. But logic isn’t in control right now.

This week also brings the four year anniversary of my Dad’s passing. I’m sad, of course. I miss him. And I also feel sad because this is an even rougher week for my Mom. That being said, I feel like I need to not let the sadness consume me. I have fought like Hell this past year to survive. That is what he would have wanted and I know somewhere he’s proud of me. So for him, I will make sure I spend some time doing things he would appreciate. I will make my own pickles, eat a little too much cake, watch a sci-fi movie with the volume way too loud, and laugh with my whole body. Because that is one of the things I miss the most about him – the full body belly laugh.

My cousin Lisa and her family came through Hickory on their way back from the beach. It was great to have them visit. Some of my best childhood memories were with my cousins. We hadn’t talked in years, and just recently got reconnected. It was fun to have the sound of her children filling the house. My dogs are not used to being around “little people” and are still trying to recover from all the excitement! I am enjoying getting to know her as a grown-up, though I still picture us as grubby kids getting into trouble!

In other news, I am having a hard time with the whole daily grind. It seems overwhelming at times. The work week is filled with work, vet appointments for Zoe, dental appointments, construction in our backyard, and errands. It seems like I am racing around constantly. Part of this stress probably stems from PMS and this ungodly heat wave we’ve been having. Chemotherapy sent my body into temporarily false menopause, and that just ended. So I think I’m experiencing about six months of PMS all at once.

To sum it up, I feel happy, scared, overwhelmed, and bitchy. But I am here to feel it, and for that I am grateful.

The Girl Who Lived

It is hot. It is in the 90s almost every day. And it’s humid. Sometimes I have flashbacks that I’m living in Florida again. Wearing a wig in this heat is a real pain in the ass. I’ve got a little hair now, so more and more I am just going without the wig. I do carry it with me, but it’s usually on my desk, in my purse, or in the car on the passenger’s seat.

The other morning I was driving through Starbucks with my wig sitting in the passenger’s seat. As the drive-thru guy handed out my coffee he proclaimed “Is that your little dog?!?”, in reference to the wig. Had I been quick on my feet, I would have said yes and would have asked him if he wanted to pet it. But I wasn’t, and just responded with a no and a chuckle.

Cancer still mentally consumes my thoughts far too much. I am trying to move forward with life. But it’s more difficult than I anticipated. It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am anxiously awaiting my next scan and follow-up appointment. It’s supposed to be scheduled for late July/early August. I know that the cancer was gone right after the chemo, and that the radiation was another measure to keep it away. Now that some time has passed, it will be comforting to get confirmation that the plan really worked and that it really has stayed gone.

I still participate in a website/online community of cancer bloggers. I check in on the status of my fellow non-hodgkins lymphoma (NHL) friends regularly. Some are ahead of me in their progress – for example, one just got her first haircut post-chemo! Others are receiving chemotherapy or just finishing up. But so far, the folks I’ve come to know very well in our little group are alive and kicking. And that brings a lot of comfort. Recently, a new woman joined that has had NHL for many years. She is on about her fifth type of chemotherapy. I know that not everyone is cured, but now having someone in my little group who isn’t doing as well is scary for me. It reminds me that cancer can come back, and not everyone has a happy ending.

I try not to talk about this too much. After all, I’m the girl who lived! Why am I not running through the streets and shouting from the rooftops? And trust me, 95% of the time I am feeling nothing but gratitude and joy for the life I have. I believe I am the luckiest girl in the world. But I can’t ignore the fact that just 9 months ago I was diagnosed with a disease that had the potential to be terminal. And I spent 7 months going through hell to get rid of it. It’s hard to just bounce back and pretend it never happened. No matter how hard I try.

I think it is only natural to experience a bit of post-traumatic stress. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I feel this way. After all, it’s not even two full months after my last radiation treatment.

Only time can heal these feelings. Time and champagne. Because who can be melancholy while drinking champagne?

Let Freedom Ring

This week I went to see my radiation oncologist for my post-radiation follow-up appointment. It was a quick visit. I reported that I was experiencing no further side-effects from radiation. I was told by the radiation oncologist that unless I felt some sort of need, that I was released from their care considering my regular oncologist would be performing my follow-up scans and any necessary maintenance treatment. It is nice to have one less doctor. One step closer to freedom from cancer!

I do still have a bit of post-cancer anxiety. Anyone who has been in this situation will probably attest to having a bit of paranoia that the cancer will return. Early this week I had a little lump under my right armpit. For about two days I was terrified that it was a swollen lymph node and had planned on calling my oncologist by the end of the week if it didn’t go away. It has since disappeared and was probably a pimple or a minor sweat gland issue. Not unexpected with the hormonal changes that happen with chemotherapy and new hair growth in the area. And pre-cancer, I would not have given it a second thought. But these are different times now.

In the cancer community, we have coined a term that describes how we feel as we approach our next PET Scan appointment: Scanxiety. We all anxiously await our next scan to hear the words that are golden: No Evidence of Disease (NED).

In the meantime though, I have to focus on the business of living! This week has been good in that regard. Number one on that list is the joy that has been brought in watching my dear sweet Zoe bounce back after being diagnosed with diabetes. I have watched her go from being lethargic and achy and uninterested in anything, to being playful and full of life. The insulin is working and it has given her a spark that has been missing for far too long!

This week I also served as a juror. And although I felt bad that I was missing work yet again, I have to admit that I really enjoyed the experience. It was a civil case that lasted about four days. I liked the chance to learn about the process. I was also fascinated that twelve people who had never met could work together so well to agree on outcome.

I am off to enjoy the three day weekend. I know that this year, the thoughts of independence and freedom have a different meaning for me.

Happy holiday to you and yours!

Dog Days of Summer

It’s been an interesting week. But it has ended relatively well.

My dear sweet beagle Zoe has not been feeling well. We took her in to get her teeth cleaned and to have a cyst removed from her eye a few weeks ago, and while she was there we mentioned that she has been a bit slow moving and achy. They did an X-ray of her hips and spine while she was there, but they couldn’t find any problems.

The vet thought it could be a type of soft-tissue arthritis and prescribed some medication. The day after we brought her home she seemed energetic and we assumed it was the pills that were prescribed. But as the days went by, she started to feel bad again. In fact, it appeared to be getting worse.

In addition to her achiness, she also had a red spot develop on her chest. It looked like a rash or a burn about the size of a fist. So I called the vet’s office and Robbie took in her in for a visit about the chest wound as well as the continued achiness. They ran a bunch of urine and bloodwork while she was at the office. Her blood glucose was around 600 which is REALLY high, but they felt like that was a mistake and sent it out to a lab to have them check it as well. They called a few days later and confirmed that her blood sugar was indeed high, and that she was definitely diabetic. She probably felt better after the first visit because we had fasted her before the surgery and her blood sugar dropped. The chest wound ended up being some sort of bizarre burn. We are assuming she laid on something hot in the yard.

So Friday we dropped her off so they could do a “curve”. They kept her all day and monitored her glucose throughout the day after giving her an initial dose on insulin. Unfortunately her curve didn’t really curve much. Her glucose stayed above five hundred. At the end of the day we were trained on how to inject insulin and were given instructions on what to do over the weekend. Tuesday they are hoping that her blood sugar has dropped enough so that they can do a proper curve.

She has been feeling somewhat better over the weekend. She is still lethargic at times, but now has bursts of energy that she wasn’t exhibiting before. She ran around the yard quite a bit, and has been playing both in the yard and in the house. It is nice to have hope that she can be like this all the time in the future once we get this regulated a bit. Dogs are so full of unconditional love, and it breaks my heart when one of my girls isn't feeling well. They can't say "I feel like crap! Help me!" So you have to try to sense how they feel. It can be difficult, especially when they are good-natured and try to hide their pain.

As far as I go, I’ve been feeling good. Most days I am completely back to normal. I notice if I don’t get enough sleep over several days that I start to feel run down, but I think everybody feels that way. I am also able to fully taste fruit again and that has been wonderful – that was really my last taste sensation to return. I am still a little sensitive to super-tangy things and have to be a bit careful or I get a little bit of a gag reflex.

July will bring my next PET Scan and a follow-up with my oncologist. I’m anxious to get an “all-clear”. As I’ve said before, every day that passes lessens my chances of recurrence.

Hope your summer is going well. Be sure to hug your pets!

A Gift

Tonight I was driving home from my Mom’s house right at dusk after a lovely dinner. I had wore my wig all day today and had finally had enough of it. I pulled it off and threw it on the passenger’s seat. I ran my fingers across the top of my head to feel the baby soft fuzz that adorns the top of my head. Not long now until I can be done with the wig. The fireflies were just coming out and they were sparkling all along the winding highway as I drove along. I turned on the radio and U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” was playing. I saw a bunny dart into the weeds as I drove by.

The cancer experience gives you one gift. And that gift is to appreciate the moments. It is those few minutes in your day where the world comes together in a perfect way. It is about remembering to smile and take it in while driving along a winding road lined with fireflies.

Better Days

It’s been over two weeks since my last radiation treatment. Life has improved ten-fold. I can finally eat and drink pretty much normally. The only remaining side effect is a little dryness in the throat – mostly in the evenings. I am also drug free! No more drugs needed to combat the many side effects of cancer treatment.

I don’t see another Doctor until the very end of June, and that is just a follow-up with the radiation oncologist. In July, I will be scheduled for another PET Scan, bloodwork, and a follow-up appointment with my main oncologist. Every day that goes by and every scan that comes back clean lessens my chance for recurrence. So for once, time is on my side.

This is the best I’ve felt since October of last year. It’s hard to believe it has been that long. Feeling unwell is a gradual thing, and you don’t really realize how bad you really felt until you start to feel better. The same with the chemo “fog”. I thought I was firing on all cylinders during my treatment, but as my ability to concentrate and general well-being improves I am starting to realize that maybe I was a bit off.

A couple of co-workers approached me about a 5K/10K trail challenge in August to raise money for the leukemia and lymphoma society. They propose that for our office summer picnic that employees who want to can participate in the race and that we could then have our picnic immediately following the event. I was humbled that they wanted to do it, and am very excited about participating. I want to get in better shape and this is a good short-term goal to kick-start my effort. This weekend I need to unbury the treadmill!

I did lose a little weight during radiation, and actually because I was eating such small meals during radiation I think it’s helped my stomach to shrink a little. I’m eating enough, but I’m not overeating like I was before. I hope to continue this trend.

I have found that some of my taste/food preferences have changed during this whole thing. I’m not sure if that is a temporary or permanent thing. For example, I can barely drink a soda. I don’t like the taste or the carbonation. I think I want fried food, but when I eat it I don’t like the mouth feel at all and usually end up just picking at it. Multi-texture foods are a real treat! For example, I want Subway all the time. It’s the coolness and all the various textures. At work last week, for a catered lunch there was meatloaf and mashed potatoes. It just seemed too heavy and rich. I would have rather had a sandwich. I do have a serious soft spot for ice cream though – I think because I still have some dryness. That and because it’s been in the 90s for the last two weeks. Seriously, it’s barely June!

So all and all, life is pretty darn good. If I could just get my hair to grow faster! But that’s such a little thing in the grand scheme of things. Hopefully I’ll have enough hair by my Birthday (August) to be able to go out without headgear. If not, I’ll just put on a big tiara.